


Millstone

by sanidine



Category: WWE, World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, First Time, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-07-14 21:53:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7192277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanidine/pseuds/sanidine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Why do you let him fuck with you like that?” Kofi asked AJ “He's not as tough as he thinks he is. I mean, that dance team kid kicked the shit out of him back when we were sophomores.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Millstone

**Author's Note:**

> ***EXTENDED HIATUS***  
> I probably won't be finishing this for a while. I feel like some of you may have gotten the impression that this was going to have a positive ending? It doesn't, and it feels a little needlessly cruel to me right now.

Just like always, AJ’s shoulders hunched up around his ears when he heard the mocking voice move in his direction. He went still and tried to make himself invisible against the wall of lockers as he prayed for the storm to pass him by. Just like always, his prayers went unanswered.

“Aaaayyyyyyyy Jaaaayyyyyyyy Styyyyyy-lessssss!”

Two hands shoved against his back, pushing AJ hard enough that his forehead cracked against the cold metal lip of the locker. Bright white stars of pain flashed behind his closed eyelids but at least he didn't feel any blood dripping down his face. AJ took a deep breath and kept his eyes closed, body braced and tense in anticipation of further harassment.

None came. AJ just stood there, head pressed against the cool metal as he listened to Jericho laugh again and saunter away. He stayed there until the warning bell rang and he had to hurry to class.

“Why do you let him fuck with you like that?” Kofi asked AJ as he slid into his desk. “He's not as tough as he thinks he is. I mean, that dance team kid kicked the shit out of him back when we were sophomores.”

AJ just shrugged. He didn't know Kofi Kingston all that well - their lockers were in the same hall and they had history together, but they didn't do much more than occasionally ask each other to borrow a pen or a piece of paper. But even if Kofi would have been AJ’s best friend in the entire world AJ knew he wouldn't have said anything. 

AJ just didn't have the words to explain that he was so, so thankful. That he was pathetically grateful that all Chris Jericho did was push him around in the halls. The worst part was, he and Chris had actually been friends before AJ fucked it all up.

AJ didn't make many friends at first after he transferred schools halfway through his junior year. Nobody had much interest in talking to the weird new kid with the floppy hair and the thick southern drawl. He was never teased or picked on. He was mostly just ignored. Which was. Fine. Whatever. Not much different from his last school - at least he was already used to eating lunch by himself. AJ wasn't going to lose any sleep over what a bunch of assholes thought (or didn't think) about him. 

Then he had been assigned to partner with Chris on a science project, and the two of them had become fast friends. Chris didn't mind that AJ never offered meet up at AJ’s place to work on the project. He didn't tease AJ too much about the fact that he didn't have a computer at home and had to do everything at the school library. Chris had his own car and he was in a band and he wore the coolest ever LED jacket to the homecoming dance. (AJ hadn’t gone. He just heard enough about it since everyone talked about it for a week after.) Unlike AJ, Chris Jericho was cool. He wasn't captain-of-the-football-team-John-Cena cool, but he was popular and friendly and handsome. 

Even after the project was over, Chris would invite AJ to hang out. For a while it seemed like the two of them were almost inseparable - whenever AJ wasn't at his job corralling shopping carts he would be over at Chris’ house or out cruising around town with him and his other friends. Then senior year had started, and AJ had realized that he wasn’t really alone anymore. AJ hadn’t realized how isolated and lonely he had felt until he got a taste of what it was like to fit in. All of a sudden he had friends, even a best friend, and he didn't even have to eat lunch by himself.

It all seemed too good to be true, but somehow it wasn't. People genuinely didn't mind AJ hanging around, and he eventually stopped waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under his feet. It could have lasted forever, or at least until they all graduated, and maybe AJ would have even gone to his senior prom. Gotten people to sign his yearbook, even. But then AJ just had to go and get it into his fool head that Chris might like him in a different way.

They had been back in school for a month - the air was just starting to go crisp and chilly, the leaves changing, and two weeks ago they had spent the whole weekend camping in the woods behind Chris’ house. They ate too many s'mores and complained about about all the regular high school bullshit. They tracked each other through the forest, an intense two-man version of hide and seek where the loser got pelted with sharp-edged pinecones or put in a chokehold until they admitted defeat. 

Just as the sun was beginning to set, Chris had gotten the drop on AJ and tackled him into the frigid oxbow lake. All of the air was shocked from his body as they crashed into the cold water, but AJ was laughing as soon as he caught his breath. They thrashed around in the shallows until an accidental elbow popped AJ in the nose. The sudden stark difference in temperature was his first clue that there was hot blood pouring down his face, even before he tasted the iron in the back of his throat or saw the look on Chris’ face.

“Oh fuck. Oh shit, man, are you ok?”

AJ was fine. Of course he was. It was just a nosebleed, but Chris still looked sorry. It was… nice. AJ wasn't used to having people worry after him when he got hurt - his dad would just lay into him worse if he bled on something important. 

“Don’ worry about it. Bleeding stopped already.”

AJ wiped at his face, looked down at his red hand and watched the way that the blood diluted down to nothing when he swept it through the water. When he looked back up Chris was just staring at him. The sky was a riot of reds and purples and Chris’ eyes were very blue and AJ could see all the little beads of water that clung to his eyelashes and the curve of his jaw. He felt the twist of guilt in his stomach that he would even notice such details, and it must have showed on his face because Chris asked

“You sure you're alright? You're looking a little pale.”

“Yeah, fine. Just cold.”

Once they made it back to camp they stripped out of their soaking clothes and built a fire, laid out in their sleeping bags to watch the logs crackle and burn as the stars started to appear. Chris talked a lot about how excited he was to only have one year left of high school, about how he wanted to start getting more gigs for his band and try to make it big, about how he couldn't wait to move to LA or NYC or some cool city on a coast. AJ mostly just listened and looked up at the dark sky. Looked at Chris.

When he went to church the next Sunday AJ prayed and prayed and prayed and didn't hear a word that the preacher had to say. AJ was worried and skittish the whole way home, his hands clenching hard as he tried to ignore the nervous twisting in his chest. At least the bars in this county were all open on Sundays so he didn't have to worry about his dad lying in wait when he got back.

For a long time, AJ had tried and failed to convince himself that it was okay, that he didn't need to be embarrassed and disgusted with himself for thinking the things that he did about other guys. No wonder he never made any friends - it was like everyone could see the dark stain on him, how pathetic and filthy he was. But with the new bright light of Chris’ regard he had thought that maybe, maybe it was alright. AJ had barely even been aware of how lonely he had been, of how bad he had just wanted someone to acknowledge him and spend time with him, until he had started hanging out with Chris. 

There were two sophmores, Bayley and Sasha, who had been together as long as anyone in the school could remember. Then there was Darren Wilson who was out and proud and a starter on the varsity football team and, just,  _ nobody cared _ . Maybe… maybe it wasn't such a big deal. 

Chris was his friend. And, sure, Chris had a lot of friends. But he was always inviting AJ to hang out and do stuff when it was just the two of them. Chris cared about him, AJ was pretty sure. After all, Chris had been worried after he'd given AJ that nosebleed. Maybe if AJ had kissed Chris the way that he had wanted to when the were out in the woods, Chris wouldn't have laughed or beat the shit out of him. Maybe Chris would have kissed him back.

It was with that flickering hope in his heart that AJ had asked Chris if he wanted to go see a movie on Friday after school. They went to movies together all the time, usually in a larger group but it wasn't that weird. Chris seemed oblivious, didn't have any reason to look closely and notice the way that the panic was clawing at AJ’s chest the entire ride to the theater. Everything was fine, everything was normal, everything was cool.

Chris had eaten most of the popcorn before the previews even started, and he was sprawled all across the seat. AJ had the nearly empty bucket on his lap, and he was trying his best not to cling to it like a life preserver as the movie started. James Bond was chasing an assassin through a crowded market somewhere, but all AJ could pay attention to was the way that Chris’ hand dangled loose and casual over the armrest that separated them.

AJ reached out with his heart in his throat and slipped his hand into Chris’ and for a few golden seconds AJ had thought that he'd been right. He had gotten something right, for once, and everything would be okay. AJ chanced a glance over and saw Chris staring over at him, brow furrowed. Then AJ realized that Chris wasn't really holding his hand at all. Chris’ fingers were limp and his mouth was hanging open in shock and he was going to say something but before he could get a word out AJ had snatched his hand back and all but run out of the movie theatre.

Chris had been his ride. It was a very long walk home in the cold November evening. 

AJ hadn’t even considered what would happen if Chris didn't feel the same way. He had just been so  _ sure _ . Stupid. Of course Chris didn't like AJ back, how fucking deluded had he been? Chris had probably only ever hung out with him because he felt sorry for AJ. He shouldn't have even tried. AJ had been so fucking lonely, so desperate and pathetic, that he had read way too far into what was nothing more than pity.

He should have known. Just like God made little green apples, AJ was never going to be anything more than a fuck up. Now, on top of the fact that he had torched his friendship with Chris, AJ was going to have to deal with everyone else knowing what a disgusting little faggot he was. 

It felt cruel to think about other people like that. AJ would have gladly punched anyone who tried to say nasty stuff like that about someone else, but when AJ applied those hateful words to himself he thought it all sounded accurate. He couldn’t… He wasn’t... It was okay for Darren and Bayley and Sasha to be who they were. To be happy. It just wasn't that way for AJ.

AJ spent the entire weekend holed up in his room, trying to think of a way to salvage the situation. He thought about running away, about just dropping off the map and never going back to school. That’d never work - his dad would beat the tar out of AJ, then haul him in by the scruff of his neck to re-enroll. Not to mention the fact that AJ knew his only hope for a future was to join the military, and to do that he needed to at least get his diploma.

Even if Chris didn't flay him open and humiliate him publicly as was his right, AJ couldn't imagine Chris keeping it a secret for long. Jericho was well known to be a bit of a chatterbox. Just the thought of how everyone else at school was going to know that AJ had made a pass at Chris… AJ felt so disgusted with himself that he wanted to puke.

In school on Monday AJ waited and waited for the whispers and the looks and the disgusted sneers, but nothing unusual happened. Orton tried to harass him for a dollar for the soda machine, but that was  standard. Orton could never remember that bullying AJ for money was useless since he didn't have any - it would have been weirder if Orton had left him alone. Brie Bella sidled up to him and asked about a couple homework questions that the twins hadn't gotten, disappointed when he revealed that he hadn't done any of it. Xavier Woods invited him to the video game club, again, and AJ turned him down for what was probably the thousandth time.

AJ saw Chris in the hallway, once, staring right at AJ with a laser sharp intensity. But Chris hadn’t gotten the chance to speak before AJ had turned tail and hurried away. But as far as AJ could tell, Chris hadn’t said anything to anyone. Yet. AJ was so tense and nervous that he thought that he was going to puke, spent the entire lunch break hiding in the bathroom with his head in his hands, trying not to shake.

It was like that for a couple of days, until Chris nonchalantly tripped AJ when they passed each other in the hall after second period. AJ had gone sprawling, heels of his hands skidding on the dirty linoleum as he caught himself.

“Whoops.” Chris smirked, looking down his nose at AJ as AJ got to his feet “Didn't see you there, Ayyyyy Jaayyyyyy.”

That was the start of it all. Chris would trip AJ or shove him or knock his books out of his hands, taunting him whenever AJ crossed his path. But as far as AJ knew Chris never said anything about how AJ had tried to hold his hand, about what a pathetic queer his former friend had turned out to be. Other students asked him about it sometimes, what had happened between him and Chris, but AJ always just shrugged off their questions. Far as AJ was concerned, it was a fair trade. If it meant that Chris kept his mouth shut, AJ didn't mind that Chris took out his frustration on AJ, punished AJ for what he had done. 

That seemed to be the silent agreement between them - as long as Chris kept his secret, AJ would let Chris torment him for as long as he wanted. Fair enough. It went on like that for months, at least until the weekend after Kofi had asked why AJ never stood up to Chris.

The pounding on the front door came on Saturday afternoon when AJ was in the kitchen, spreading peanut butter on a tortilla. He froze, praying that his dad wouldn't wake up and freak out. Then there was more heavy knocking and AJ dropped the tortilla on the counter and hurried to the door, eager to stop the loud noises as quickly as possible.

“Chris?”

“We need to talk.” Chris said, blunt. “Can I come in? I don't want anyone to see me standing around in your trashy trailer park.”

AJ couldn't help the way his face reddened. Even as far as trailer parks went, it was a shit hole. It was an obvious source of embarrassment for AJ, even before he had seen how Chris’ family lived in a real house with a fresh coat of paint and a nice yard and a refrigerator that was always stocked with food. Chris had picked him up plenty of times before and he had never said anything about where AJ lived. Chris hadn’t given AJ shit about how poor he was back when they had still been friends, but it wasn't like he had a reason to be kind to AJ any longer.

“Can. I. Come. In.” Chris asked again, talking through clenched teeth. It was late February but winter showed no signs of letting up, freezing wind cutting across the countryside. AJ thought that Chris looked like he might flip out when AJ slowly shook his head.

“ ‘m sorry. My dad's sleepin’.” AJ’s accent always got worse when he was emotional, upset or stressed out. “We c’n go somewhere else if you wanna talk private.”

AJ cringed. Had it sounded like he was trying to come onto Chris again? What had he been thinking, asking Chris to go somewhere alone when Chris so clearly hated AJ’s guts. 

“Fine.” Chris’ voice was caustic as he spun on his heel, stalked back over to the driver's side of his car.

The day was bright and cold, frozen gravel crunching under the tires as Chris drove. Neither one of them spoke, and the radio was turned so far down that there was only the barest suggestion of music. AJ could hear the wind whipping against the sides of the vehicle, but the snow on the ground was so old and crusted over that the only things blowing around were a few dead leaves and some stray pieces garbage. Chris drove to the reservoir on the edge of town. In the summer the place was packed with people looking for relief from the heat, but now that deep, clear water was iced over and ominous.

The place was abandoned except for them. Chris slammed on the brake, shifted into park at the same time that he was saying

“I'm fucking sick of this. You don't get to go around pretending like you're just poor little AJ and I'm the asshole. You're the one that led me on, and now I have to deal with the entire video game club tracking me down telling me that they're going to kick my ass because  _ I'm _ being mean to  _ you _ .”

AJ was shocked to silence for a second, then “What do you mean I led you on?”

“You fuckin’ know, man.” Chris thumped his head back against his seat. “Here I thought we had something, but then you fucked off without explanation and you wouldn't even talk to me at school.”

There were so many things that AJ wanted to say, but the first words that came tumbling out of his mouth were “And how does that justify you pushing me around all the time?”

Chris just sort of shrugged, shoulders tightening “I'm not good at handling rejection?”

Like it was a question; like he didn't really know. They were silent for a while after that. Chris staring at him, waiting, and AJ trying to put all the thoughts racing around in his head into some kind of coherent order.

“I thought -” AJ started, stopped, caught dry mouthed. He had to swallow before he could continue. “When I held your hand I thought that you were. Mad. That I had pissed you off, and you were going to tell the whole school that I -”

“Hey.” Chris held out his hand, palm up. Left it to rest between them on the console. “It's alright.”

AJ took a deep breath, or tried to at least - it felt like he couldn't get any air with the way he felt dizzy and lightheaded as he reached out. Put his hand next to Chris’, suddenly too scared to reach the extra inch and let their fingers brush together. AJ looked away. The one thing that he had wanted so badly, that he convinced himself could never happen, and now that AJ had another chance he was too much of a fucking coward to do anything about it. He was disgusting and sinful and so fucking lonely that he almost couldn't bring himself to care. Almost.

While AJ was caught up trying to sort out his frantic thoughts, Chris reached over and hooked their pinkies together. AJ jolted at the contact and looked down to where their hands were touching, then back up Chris who smiled at him. It was a slow, sharp grin. Smart and hungry, and then Chris wasn't grinning anymore because he had leaned over and kissed AJ right on the mouth.

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr ](http://www.bingitoff.Tumblr.com)  
>     
> I write and edit everything on my phone, so please let me know if I've made any particularly terrible mistakes.
> 
> Kudos and comments are loved!


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